EDISON, NJ—Touting his new website as the premiere online destination for visitors looking for hard-hitting analysis on the malleability and moisture of today’s NFL players, local man and incredibly creepy statistician Todd McIntosh unveiled softwetfootballfacts.com, sources confirmed Friday. “There are a lot of websites out there offering information about the game of football, but no one so far has provided facts and figures on the softness and wetness of today’s athletes that fans so desperately crave,” a fidgety, perspiring McIntosh said while avoiding eye contact with reporters. “When you visit my site, you’ll have access to all the key dampness-pliability metrics, including defensive suppleness, liquid lost/yard, and QB squishiness ratings. It’s all very important. I like this stuff a lot.” At press time, McIntosh was reportedly moistening his lips with his tongue while compiling a list of the NFL’s soggiest defensive ends.

UPDATE:

The U.S. Department of Justice has reportedly shut down softwetfootballfacts.com just hours after its launch, taking McIntosh into custody and confiscating dozens of soaking wet photographs of Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson.