MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays, it was reported Monday. "The pudding is on the table, the fire is roaring, and Mark is here with his family," said Lila Wilens, mother of the unctuous, deceitful shit. "Hopefully, we'll get a chance to go caroling while he's home, on one of the days when he's not hanging out by the Catholic school with his binoculars." The filthy pig last spent Christmas with his loved ones in 1995.