The dating world can be a bewildering place. Here are some tips to help you navigate the perilous waters of love:


  • Ladies: Your date's salary divided by your own equals the base you should let him get to on the first date.
  • If you are overweight and socially awkward, consider "online dating." You can go on a dragonslaying adventure instead of to a movie, play games on Pogo.com instead of dancing, and masturbate instead of having real sex.
  • Do not bathe for several days prior to a date to get your pheromones good and strong.
  • Never date a married person, unless he or she is just about to leave his or her spouse and simply waiting for the right moment.
  • When planning a romantic candlelit dinner, the right music can create the perfect mood. Put on The Best Of Spike Jones to create a freewheeling, anything-goes atmosphere.
  • Maintain a casual, "Let's just have fun" attitude until the other person starts seeing someone else. Then let the tears and accusations fly.
  • Remember: There's only one way to console a widow.
  • To make a lasting impression on a first date, declare yourself his or her eternal soulmate and propose marriage.
  • Why don't you ask that Julie girl out? She's a lovely girl. You're practically 35, for God's sake. Fine, rip your mother's heart out.
  • If you are a princess being courted by a low-born but beloved suitor, be sure to elude the watchful eye of the lord high chamberlain.
  • Instead of going out tonight, punch yourself in the nuts three times and the heart twice. This will save you approximately $75.