WASHINGTON, DC—Drug Enforcement Administration officials announced Monday the largest-ever drug bribe received by the agency. The $280 million bribe, which was airdropped over DEA headquarters by an unmarked twin-engine plane from South America, exceeds the previous record bribe by almost $50 million. Said Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey: "This enormous bribe will ensure the smooth transport of Colombian drugs across our borders and into our nation's public schools for years to come." Added McCaffrey, "Winners don't use drugs."