As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

Dental-Hygiene Tips

  • Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
  • Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
  • If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
  • Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
  • Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
  • To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
  • Contrary what today's kids think, it is not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth.
  • Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
  • Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
  • Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
  • If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
  • If you are a denture wearer, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
  • An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are such a lazy fuck that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
  • Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.