LAKEWOOD, NJ—Tired of being led in circles by a shrewd and elusive local litterer, detective Alex Lavin attempted to penetrate the thought process of his arch-nemesis on Wednesday “to find out what makes him tick,” sources reported. “He knows I’m hot on his trail, yet he loves the excitement of the chase,” Lavin pondered aloud as he surveyed aluminum cans strewn along the median of Route 9. “A plastic bottle, a pack of Camels, a Pringles canister—is he just toying with me?” Later, arriving home to find a still-warm Charleston Chew wrapper on his doorstep, Lavin reportedly peered up and down the block for the shadowy figure he knew wouldn’t be there, chuckled softly to himself, and muttered, “Ooh, this guy’s good.”