Last month, the Department of Homeland Security announced it was working with retailer Wal-Mart to help protect American towns. What policies is Wal-Mart instituting to make our communities safer?

  • In the bicycle section, sign must be hung that says, "Not to be used as getaway bicycle"
  • In addition to saying hello, greeters will ask if customers have recently had contact with citizens of Syria, Yemen, Iran, or Pakistan
  • Wal-Mart will become the sole retailer of Department of Homeland Security cosmetics
  • All tall, bearded Arabs seeking to fill insulin prescriptions must first fill out a questionnaire
  • Continuing to refuse to sell incendiary material such as Sheryl Crow's self-titled album, Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown, and George Carlin's book When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
  • Hiding millimeter wave scanners right in front of high-traffic Tasmanian Devil T-shirt racks
  • Maintaining database of all customers who purchase spices cumin and turmeric
  • Making everyday prices even lower to drive the terrorists that much crazier!