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    Discomfort

    Slideshow • Local • ISSUE 46•35 • Sep 7, 2010
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    • Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' With Area Man

      ERIE, PA—According to sources inside the seating booth section, a Whaler consumed during Monday's lunch-hour rush is
      1 of 10
    • Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries, Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long

      NEW YORK—Despite his incessant complaints that resting his buttocks on a chair for prolonged periods of time causes him discomfort and pain, a man paid to provide sports analysis insisted Sunday that athletes should be able to play regardless of injuries attained through physical action.
      2 of 10
    • Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples

      
PRINCETON, NJ—Contraceptive manufacturer Trojan unveiled its new line of “No One’s Pleasure” condoms Wednesday, the first prophylactic specifically designed to intensify sexual dissatisfaction among bitter and resentful couples.
      3 of 10
    • Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up

      SAN DIEGO—In an effort to pass the time, houseguest Kevin Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stucco, listening to the ticking of a large wall clock, and trying to ignore his growing urge to urinate.
      4 of 10
    • Struggling Actress Smiles, Says Vagisil Her Number-One Choice For Fighting Feminine Itch

      LOS ANGELES—Struggling actress Heather Pryor, 24, announced Monday that Vagisil is her number-one choice for fighting feminine itch.
      5 of 10
    • Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

      Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study.
      6 of 10
    • America's Cowboys Suffering From Restless Heart Syndrome

      ATLANTA, GA—Bouts of wanderlust and deep yearning have led a majority of RHS sufferers to head off in the direction of them twinklin' stars.
      7 of 10
    • New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything

      PHILADELPHIA—Taken three times daily with a quart of gin, Advil Release can alleviate the worst symptoms of life's deadening futility and cold, blank emptiness.
      8 of 10
    • Dozens Trapped In Candlelight Vigil For Coal Miners

      HARLAN COUNTY, KY—As hopes for a socially acceptable escape faded,
attendees coped with mild hunger and arduous self-pity.
      9 of 10
    • Depression Sufferer Insufferable

      DURHAM, NC—Despite an elaborate regimen of prescription medications and thrice-weekly therapy sessions, local depression sufferer Gary Blanke remains a horribly insufferable person, area sources reported Tuesday.
      10 of 10
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