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Duncan Birch's Top 100 Books

By Duncan Birch

March 11, 2011

With the spring reading season upon us, here’s a list of what I consider to be the best 100 of the books I’ve written. (Out-of-print and small-press books can be ordered through me personally.)

  1. American Blood: Inside America's Billion-Dollar Blood Industry
  2. What The Baby Saw: A Memoir Of Infidelity
  3. Ultimate Game Changer: A Guide To Your Barnes & Noble Nook
  4. All Things Birch & Beautiful: A Celebration Of Faith, Love, And Family
  5. Slam Duncan
  6. Shaping A Nation: How Land Reclamation Saved Our Ports
  7. How To Draw Cartoon Characters
  8. In Search Of Souter
  9. Living, Loving, Laughing: On The Campaign Trail With Mitt Romney
  10. Promises Unkept: The Rise And Fall Of Benicio Del Toro
  11. American Immobile: How Obesity And Laziness Will Save Our Country
  12. Hunting For Lincoln's Bones
  13. Living in GUNmerica
  14. The Power of Authority: How The President Accomplishes His Agenda
  15. What Oil Crisis?: How The Media Made A Frenzy Out Of A Few Long Gas Station Lines
  16. James Madison: An American Name
  17. The Bias Against Political Violence In US Culture
  18. Black and White: The Only Races That Matter
  19. MLK's "I Have A Dream Speech" And The Rise of Political Pontification in Outdoor Speeches Near Reflecting Pools
  20. Whatever Happened To RFK?
  21. Country Crock: Why The USA Is Not Technically a State
  22. Finding Government In Unlikely Places
  23. The Congress In Your Garbage Pail: How Waste Disposal Defines Our Political System
    24. -->-->-->
  24. The Littlest Chief Of Staff (Children's Book)
  25. The Littlest Chief Of Staff Resigns In Shame (Children's Book)
  26. Dining With PR People: A Treatise On The Simple Joys of the Campaign Trail
  27. The Three Notions That Will Scare The American Public Into Electing You President
  28. Cult Of PersonaliTREE: How To Cultivate A Winning Superhero Myth For Your Campaign
  29. The Body Politic Is A Liberty Tree: Nurturing The Valuable "Public Root"
  30. Body Politic As Liberty Tree Revisited: Pruning the Leaves of Protest
  31. Net Neutrality: Epitaph For America?
  32. Finding Obama In Ourselves
  33. Dogs and Cats and Independents!: A Book About The Lighter Side Of Politics
  34. The Guys In The Gulag: On Friendship and Prison-Reporting From Soviet Russia
  35. Land Of The Free, Home Of The Morons: How 'Dumbing Down' Makes America Great
  36. Wayfinder: How I Walked Across Grand Rapids, MI Without A Map
  37. Signposts To Freedom: A Detailed History Of Signage In The U.S. Capitol
  38. Devouring The Devoured: How Bad Policy Takes Food Out Of Our Own Mouths
  39. How America Got Fat: So Fat That Their Fat Pours Over The Sides Of The Clothing They Wear
  40. Blogging Towards Gomorrah: How Blogging Ruined My Marriage And Yours
  41. Induced Coma: A Near-Death Health Care System
  42. How To Win A Seat In Congress Without Breaking The Bank
  43. The Entire Supreme Court Is Unconstitutional
  44. Show Me The Gunny: How Concealed Weapons Statutes Endanger Us All
  45. Knocking Heads Of State: How Politics Became A Headbutter's Game
  46. Sharpen The Fucking Pencil: How To Fix Our Education System
  47. Erasable Pen: How Congress Must Rescind Our National Educational Standards
  48. Unworthy Of Our Own Children: How Our Teachers Behave Nowadays
  49. 150 Constitutional Amendments America Needs Right Now
  50. Bay Of Prigs: Why San Francisco Should Secede
  51. Prying Open Pandora's Box: Why So-Called "Freedom of Information" Is National Suicide
  52. Vietnam In Reverse
  53. A Rear-View Democracy
  54. The View From The Cupola: A Memoir
  55. Climbing The Washington Monument: A Symbolic Adventure Story
  56. Was George Washington Schizophrenic?
  57. Martin Luther King Jr.: Plagiarizer Of Jesus
  58. Did Malcolm X Deserve A Movie?
  59. Invisible Ink: How The Constitution Is Written In Invisible Ink
  60. How To Fix The Department of the Interior
  61. Threat To Our Sequels
  62. Race, Gender, Identity, Society, Politics, Nature In Post-Modern America
  63. A Wiccan's Guide To Social Issues
  64. My Virtual Wife
  65. 1 Daddy 2, Red Daddy Blue
  66. Southwestern Escapes
  67. Communication: The Best Spell
  68. Birch Bellows: Duncan Birch Sounds Off
  69. Exploiting Without Exploitation
  70. Always Get Pepperoni On Your 'Za And Other Life Lessons
  71. America's Most Controversial Non-Stories
  72. Family: The Screaming Backbone Of America
  73. America's Most Exclusive Trainyards
  74. Time Snake
  75. The Pleasure Myth
  76. Trick-Ass Bitches: An Illustrated History
  77. If You Can't Stand The Heat, Think Outside The Box
  78. The Three Things You Need To Know About Foreigners
  79. Hallowhy?
  80. The Pirate And The Lady
  81. Slam Duncan
  82. Birch Control
  83. Framing The Big Picture
  84. The Case Against Water Buffalo
  85. Help Others For Profit
  86. Africa 2.0
  87. Why The Facts Are Wrong
  88. Remembering The Past
  89. Personal Jets On A Budget
  90. Rich Like Me: The Duncan Birch Story
  91. How To Vote For Winners
  92. Fudgie The Boy
  93. The Six Worst Continents
  94. Daddy, What's An Orca?
  95. The War After The War
  96. America The Enclave
  97. America's Love Affair With Things That Go
  98. Farewell, Beloved Sentra
  99. Surfeit Of Love: Marriage And Romance In The Favelas
  100. My Personal Friend Mark Wahlberg
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  • Brooke Alvarez

    As the host of FactZone, Brooke Alvarez is one of the world's most recognizable news figures. Growing up in Russia, Brooke dreamed of being famous and powerful. She emigrated to U.S., erased all trace of her Russian accent within three weeks, and began her systematic ascent to the top of the news industry. The details of this rapid climb through the various lesser networks to end up at the Onion News Network was the subject of "The Devil Incarnate" a book refuted by Brooke as "the pathetic scrawlings of a bitter and jealous acne-scarred half-reporter."


    A prolific Twitter user, Brooke tweets 20 to 40 times a day, often while her guests are talking. She's appeared as herself in more than a dozen motion pictures although there is some debate whether she understood that the words on her teleprompter were fictional and where they would eventually appear. Brooke owns five corgi dogs, her favorite food is kale, and she is married to author Thomas Pynchon.


    Brooke is active in charity work, having formed a foundation to teach newscaster dialect to young urban teens. She's politically motivated as well, publicly campaigning against wind farms whenever her schedule allows.


    While the media has made much of her long-standing feuds with both Wolf Blitzer and Yo Yo Ma, Brooke insists she is easy to get along with as long as everyone understands their place.


    Brooke stays healthy and happy by swimming 20 miles each day in the resistance pool in her office.

  • Jim Haggerty

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  • Shelby Cross

    Former prosecutor Shelby Cross takes no prisoners in her quest for justice. Whether she's berating a grieving mother for allowing her infant son to get murdered or advising viewers on how to make themselves unappealing to date rapists, Shelby Cross has your back.

  • Tracy Gill

    As the co-host of the highest-rated morning show on the Onion News Network, Tracy Gill has interviewed thousands of celebrities, public figures, and newsworthy widows. Listed as one of Forbes’ Fiftysomething Most Powerful Women In Television, Gill founded the charity "Umbrellas Of Love" which seeks to spread the word about the dangers of flying debris through ad campaigns and educational programs. (Gill's own childhood friend was killed by an errant piece of plywood while waterskiing.) In order to meet the demanding schedule for Today Now!, Tracy generally only sleeps three hours a day, rising at 2 a.m. to begin the drive to the Onion News Network studios. Gill is the subject of an in-depth biography, “Over the Flames an Eagle Soared: The Tracy Gill Story,” which addressed media claims she is a cutthroat opportunist. In defense of Gill, the author likens Gill to an eagle -- a beautiful and respected figure, but one that must protect itself to survive. Gill is currently married to wealthy television mogul Bob Johanson.

  • Tucker Hope

    Co-hosting FactZone is a dream come true for Tucker Hope. Not only does it give Tucker the chance to work side-by-side with the most respected name and most beautiful face in news, it provides the opportunity to use the touchscreen manipulation skills he has been honing since junior high on a touchscreen set up in his family's living room. In fact, Tucker was home-schooled to allow him to focus on perfecting his pinching and zooming and practicing his pronunciation of "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." In order to be at the ready or perhaps to keep an eye over his touchscreen, Tucker never leaves the studio, sleeping on a cot he set up behind his Recon Wall. Due to a contract stipulation created by Brooke, Tucker doesn't get paid by the Onion News Network but receives whatever the gracious FactZone host herself feels like he earned that week.