Well, I finally finished the spring housecleaning. Now I understand why people give their houses a good cleaning only once a year—what a chore! We didn’t have dust bunnies, we had dust bears! And my vacuum cleaner was working so much overtime it almost went on strike!

But the worst chore of all had to be cleaning out the closets. The clutter had to be seen to be believed! Call me a sentimental sap, but I just can’t bring myself to toss out my old Holly Hobbie silkscreen pillow. And I will admit to you right now I still have the Kotex Junior Miss Sanitary Napkin Belt the school nurse gave us gals in seventh grade gym class!

But hubby Rick is even worse! This became apparent when I yanked out one of the drawers from our waterbed and pulled out a stack of the grimiest-looking baseball caps you’ve ever seen!

And they’re not just dirty literally—the caps have raunchy sayings on them too. Now I’m not knocking hats with sayings on them—some of them are really clever. Just the other day I couldn’t resist buying one from the Hallmark store that said, “Physically Fit... To Eat Chocolate!”

But Rick’s are the most offensive and tasteless things I had ever seen! One had a picture of a drunk at a bar saying, “If You Saw My Wife, You’d Drink Too!” Another said, “I Have a PMS Wife—A Pretty Mean Sow!’

And I nearly flipped my wig when I saw, “No Fat Chicks!” I never felt so humiliated in all my life! This was worse than the time Rick read my diary! It was like Rick was making fun of me in the crudest way possible in front of his friends and co-workers at the tire center, and I had no way to fight back!

Well, I may be amply proportioned, but you can be certain Rick is no Cary Grant, and I’ve never worn anything that made fun of him! (Okay, I admit to owning an “Old Fart’s Wife” sweatshirt, but I haven’t worn it in the longest time.)

So it goes without saying I gave Rick a great big piece of my mind that evening! At first, he tried to ignore me by watching his sports bloopers tape, but he sure sat up and took notice when I threatened to leave him if he didn’t trash those caps!

But instead of seeing the error of his ways, he started whining about how he was always getting ridiculed in my column and how his buddies were now referring to him as “Hubby Rick.” So wearing the caps was his only way to get back at me. Okay, I could see his point.

Therefore, in the interest of preserving marital harmony, I, Jean Teasdale, do hereby swear on a stack of Bibles to lay off hubby Rick. I also promise to give Rick an opportunity to rebut in print any claims on his character I make that he feels are incorrect. In exchange, Rick agrees to destroy any baseball caps I deem offensive in nature.

There, Rick, happy now? Now Rick’s telling me he wants to personally address you readers with a few sentences of his own. (That is, if he knows basic sentence structure!) All right, Rick, I relinquish my keyboard to you. Do your worst...

NO FAT CHICKS ALOUD!

by Rick Teasdale

Onion Awesome Dude

Hey, kidies! Time for the Rick Teasdale Show! Keep on %Rocking in the Free wrold! Hello Foxy Ladies! Class of ‘77 Rules! Hey Bill and Hilary, Go back to Whitwater! Dale Earnhardt is God! And The Bears Still Suck! Wooooo!! Woooooooo!!!!!