In the days leading up to the Nov. 6 General Election, the Onion political team will answer your common questions about voting. Check back daily for two more responses to voters' most pressing questions.
Why do we have a two-party system?
What if nobody voted?
That’s called a tie, dipshit.
How do I vote by absentee ballot?
Find a piece of paper, write down who you want to vote for, and place the piece of paper in a nearby tree. Or, purchase a Diebold AccuVote-TS for $2,964, make your selections, and then mail the electronic voting machine to your county clerk’s office.
Why do we exercise our right to vote?
It’s good to get out of the house once every four years.
How do I find my polling place?
You’re a real mess, aren’t you?
How do I request a ballot?
Don’t you understand? Your ballot was inside you the whole time.
Is my vote kept a secret?
How do I fill out a ballot?
How do you make your bed? How do you tie your shoes? What are we, your babysitters?
What if I change my mind after I vote?
Should you change your mind after voting, you may file a formal grievance with your county clerk. If you voted for the winning presidential candidate and now support the loser, your grievance will likely result in the removal of the current president or, depending on the circumstance, will at the very least exempt you from all the laws of the country for the remainder of the sitting president’s term.
Where can I get information about third-party candidates? Why aren’t they included in the debates?
Third-party candidates are not included in debates because they won’t fucking win the election. Happy now?
Am I eligible to vote? How do I register?
It depends on who’s asking. Who is this?
How are the votes counted on election night?
There is a man who counts the votes. His name is Brian Durgess.
Why do we use the electoral college?
We continue to use the electoral college because no one has been able to come up with a simpler or more straightforward way to choose the president of the United States. Think about it: Is there anything more logical or intuitive? Nope.
Where can I find out election results?
Open your window. If you hear gunshots and the wails of starving babies, the other guy won.
Or, if you are Native American, you can smell most state and federal election returns on the wind.