SAN JOSE, CA—With their baby daughter due to arrive any day now, expectant couple Drew and Francesca Mott have reportedly been scrambling this week to cobble together a working system of ethical principles and moral values they can pass along to their first child. “We kept putting off building a set of prescriptive personal beliefs, but now we’re down to the wire and still haven’t hammered out firm attitudes toward right and wrong, self-discipline, generosity, table manners, personal integrity, or any of that,” said the soon-to-be father as he and his wife quickly attempted to slap together a coherent worldview encompassing the basic nature of mankind, one’s obligations to others as human beings, and what defines a well-lived life. “The Golden Rule seems like a pretty safe bet, right? Let’s throw that in there. And we haven’t even thought about a work ethic—do we want to instill a deep sense of dedication and focus or leave more freedom to pursue rewarding outside interests? I wish we’d gotten around to this sooner.” At press time, reports confirmed the couple had relaxed upon realizing that at a certain age their child would just systematically reject any values they impressed upon her anyway.