The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce. Here’s how other fast food chains are trying to be more health-conscious:

  • Subway: Jared spokesperson recast as hyper-self-conscious bulimic
  • Wendy’s: Customers must finish each individual fry before requesting additional one from counter
  • Domino’s: Will not deliver to anyone who gasps for breath more than three times while placing an order
  • Burger King: Patrons required to wear cardboard crown reading “King of the Fatties”
  • Jack in the Box: Jog-thru lane
  • Quiznos: Vegetable toppings no longer made from colored chocolate
  • Hardee’s: Ketchup dispenser requires customers to turn heavy crank for two minutes
  • KFC: Employees to cram fistfuls of vegetables into customers’ fat fucking mouths when they aren’t paying attention