WASHINGTON—Following an extensive eight month investigation, the FBI announced this week that it had learned of the potentially devastating plot to Sex And The City 2.
Speaking at an emergency press conference Tuesday, FBI director Robert S. Mueller revealed details of the "chilling" romantic-comedy plot, which he claimed could put millions of moviegoers at risk.
"We have strong reason to believe that on the morning of May 27, 2010, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha will once again be unleashed on the American public," Mueller said. "While many details still remain unclear, including how large of a role Mr. Big will ultimately play, our intelligence indicates that countless men and women could soon be made to suffer."
"The gals are back," the FBI director continued. "God help us all."
The terrifying plot, which is expected to last approximately two hours, and which appears capable of irritating on a scale never before witnessed, is being treated as a very serious threat by the FBI.
According to federal operatives, unless preemptive measures are taken, Americans will likely face a barrage of highly orchestrated puns, overindulgent displays of fashion, and several rounds of Samantha droning on and on endlessly about her most recent sexual exploit.
Even more troubling, however, is evidence indicating that Stanford Blatch—Carrie's insufferable gay friend and confidant—may be directly involved in the plot.
"We're placing the entire nation on high alert until we are able to confirm reports, but at this time, it does appear as though Miranda and perhaps Charlotte will be riding atop a camel in one scene," said FBI deputy director John S. Pistole, shaking his head in disgust. "Whatever the goal of this…this Sex And The City 2 may be, one thing is certain: This plot was devised for the sole purpose of spreading terror."
"Terror and pain," Pistole continued. "Terror and pain and apparently a 15-minute brunch conversation pertaining to menopause."
According to agents, the FBI first heard rumors of the plot in August of last year, when Internet chatter picked up from People magazine's website was found to contain several red flags, including repeated mentions of "the girls throwing on their high heels one last time."
By late October, operatives had uncovered a crude plot device, the details of which they would not reveal for fear of alarming an already-tense public. They also came across several script pages hinting that the fabulous foursome would be traveling to Abu Dhabi for a week of decadence, glamour, and no-limit fun. No action was taken at that time, however, because investigators believed the likelihood of anyone carrying out a plot based on such a flimsy premise was "preposterous at best."
The FBI now admits it was wrong.
"For your safety, and the safety of those closest to you, we advise all Americans to stay indoors on May 27," Mueller said. "Women in their mid-30s, especially those with questionable tastes and few actual interests, should remain extra vigilant during this time."
Added Mueller, "Their boyfriends, husbands, and fiancés are also believed to be at risk."
This isn't the first time the FBI has been criticized for failing to prevent a devastating Hollywood plot. In the summer of 1999, thousands of Americans were tragically exposed to Notting Hill, despite the fact that the bureau was aware of the threat months in advance.
Some, however, are less concerned about the danger posed by Sex And The City 2, and are accusing the U.S. government of fearmongering.
"To me this just sounds like another case of grandstanding on the part of the FBI," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who recommended that all Americans continue with their lives as usual on May 27. "After all, you know how the FBI can get sometimes, what with the freaking out all the time and acting like every little thing might lead to the end of the world. They're total Mirandas."