At its annual developer conference this week, Apple unveiled its long-rumored streaming music service. Here are some of its features:

  • Each song preceded by 45-minute Tim Cook presentation
  • Option to play a different song in each earbud
  • Tons of Floyd
  • A daily morning zoo show with Siri and her rowdy friends
  • Ability to lower volume is disabled whenever a really good song is playing
  • Is eager to please
  • Audiobook chapters from Steve Jobs’ biography constantly sprinkled in throughout users’ listening sessions
  • Access to millions of songs readily available on Pandora, Spotify, and Google Play