Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

A record-setting crowd attended the inaugural home opener of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium Sunday night. Onion Sports examines some of the sports arena's features.

• A 100-yard football field, perfect for professional football
• Special suite where Tony Dorsett, Emmitt Smith, and all the Cowboy greats can go fuck themselves
• Display case containing the Cowboys Starter jacket that turned the team's fortunes around in 1992
• Most obnoxious 30-yard line in the league
• No Troy Aikman
• Cowboys logos appear on things that wouldn't otherwise have Cowboys logos on them
• The Emmitt Smith Simulator, which lets fans feel what it's like to be a normal person running behind five 300-pound men
• Not one, but 45 megachurches
• The Cowboys Ring of Criminal Arrests
• A parking lot so expansive it could hold almost two parking lots inside it