In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors. Here are some notable features of the budget-friendly iPhone:

  • Small enough to fit comfortably in users’ cheeks or to tuck between their lower lips and gums
  • Haggard-sounding Siri
  • Interior-facing camera
  • Includes extended seven-minute version of classic Marimba ringtone
  • Coin slot
  • Slick, oily screen
  • Must be plugged in at all times
  • Smells like a delicious wafer cookie
  • Sturdy enough to lay down on paper and use edge to draw straight lines
  • Built-in whistle
  • Steve Jobs’ posthumous disapproval