Although The Onion did not make any mistakes in yesterday's newspaper, we still have to fill this space with text lest we leave a glaring blank section. Therefore, when you think about it, our flawlessness is an error in itself.
Last Tuesday, The Onion accidentally printed a photo of a nun feeding an apple to a horse everywhere a photo belonged.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.