Next week, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly retooled Friday The 13th, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel, who directed the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What has been changed in this version?

For the first time, we actually learn what month the story takes place in

Jason now wearing football helmet in addition to hockey mask

Drawn-out, winking cameo appearance by someone who must have been in the first one

Jason's illiterate grunting now corrected with Auto-Tune

Jason is 29 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and just coming out of a nasty divorce

Small role found for one of Hulk Hogan's kids.

Camp counselors waiting until marriage

It's four and a half hours long and it sucks