Dear The Onion,
My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?

— Tod Perry, Birmingham, AL

Dear The Onion,
Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing.

— Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY

Dear The Onion,
I'm having trouble telling when to flip an omelet, and whether or not my girlfriend has had an orgasm during sex. I would appreciate any advice you could offer on either front.

— Curt Bentzel, York, PA

Dear The Onion,
How dare you tell me what the weather is going to be like, as if I'm some fool who didn't check exactly eight times before I left the house. I'm an adult, for Christ's sake.

— Rene Crouch, Spokane, WA

Dear The Onion,
Congrats, you're the winner of a new cat (enclosed).

— Rich, Toms River, NJ

Dear The Onion,
If anyone asks, can you say I was writing this on July 15 between the hours of 7 p.m. and 1 a.m.?

— Clarence Epstein, Arnett, OK

Dear The Onion,
If you could spare a meal, I'd surely appreciate the bounty of your table. I aim to do some work 'round here to make things right. Thank you kindly.

— C. Meldrum, Manhattan, NY

Dear The Onion,
Why is it that almost every time we pick up The Onion we have to read about another beached whale? What is this, The Onion For Beached Whales?

— Erin Richard, Saratoga Springs, NY