Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov

Since buying the New Jersey Nets, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has become a media fascination. Onion Sports takes a closer look at the man:

• Bought Nets after being impressed by Jayson Williams' killing ability
• Feels that owning an NBA basketball team is good for his cover
• We're just going to go ahead and guess that he has a yacht you could land a helicopter on
• Sam Cassell and Mikhail Prokhorov have never been seen in the same place at the same time
• May or may not be able to help LeBron James locate his missing family, but what can Mr. James do for him?
• Already feels right at home in corrupt New Jersey hellhole
• "You like ride in tank? We go for ride in tank! The girls, they also come! Is make fun, yes? Ha!"
• Also owns controlling interest in 80 percent of Russia's nuclear arsenal
• Just checked on that yacht and helicopter thing, and sure enough, we called it
• Will have no problem dealing with the sports press, as he has had journalists burned alive in their cars before