The latest Onion Conspiracy Index omitted a key player. We regret that this arch-puppeteer has ensnared us in its global scheme and won’t allow The Onion to correct the error.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.
After defending Cindy for years, The Onion finally realized she’s no good. You were right.