ROCHESTER, NY—Noting with dismay and deep self-contempt that she had missed last night’s final Olympic figure skating ice dance event, local woman Jillian Kissel reportedly whispered to herself Tuesday morning that she really was a stupid fucking moron. “God fucking dammit, you piece of shit. You missed it—you fucking missed it,” said the 28-year-old loan officer of the ballroom-dancing-inspired and classical-music-accompanied free dance program that happens once every four fucking years and featured a historic, first-ever gold medal win for the U.S., for fuck’s sake. “Shit, shit, shit. The final goddamned free dance. Well, way to go, dumbfuck. Hope you’re happy with yourself. It was probably breathtaking—the costumes, the enchanting choreography. You stupid, stupid whore.” At press time, Kissel was watching a low-resolution YouTube video of Meryl Davis and Charlie White’s jaw-droppingly gorgeous gold-medal-winning program and was overheard muttering, “This is all you fucking deserve.”