1INNER DISK, ANDROMEDA GALAXY—Thanking the spiral-shaped celestial body for its 6.8 billion years of tireless service, Our Lord and Divine Creator announced Thursday His "very difficult decision" to close down the Andromeda galaxy for good. "Nobody ever wants to have to do something like this, but operating Andromeda on a daily basis has grown impractical and I can't in good conscience keep it going," God said of the incomprehensibly massive nebula, which is home to more than 1 trillion stars and an untold number of planetary objects. "So much has changed since I brought it into being, and to be honest, it's just not working out the way I'd hoped." A spokesman for the Supreme Being issued an apology to Andromeda's 750 quadrillion resident life-forms, who as of midnight Eastern Time on May 15 will cease to exist.
More News in Brief
Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office
COLUMBUS, OH—Based on his recent activity on Facebook, local man Arthur Gibson, 29, is reportedly under the impression that libertarian icon and former presidential ...
16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year
TERRE HAUTE, IN—A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next ...
American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day
CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to ...
