WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to streamline degradation of the American populace and consolidate all forms of bureaucratic hassle into one convenient mailing, federal officials announced Monday that, beginning in 1999, the government will issue all citizens an annual "Screw You" packet.

The packet, which is to be distributed in conjunction with federal tax forms, will condense the government's countless methods of abuse into a single handy 9x12 envelope.

"The federal government's current citizen-persecution system is inefficient and wasteful," said Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY), who spearheaded the congressional task force that developed the "Screw You" packet. "This compact packet is not only cost-effective, it's user-friendly and intuitive. Simple instructions and easy-to-remember acronyms make the filing process as quick and painless as possible."

The packet's easy-to-understand forms will free citizens of the nightmare of red tape normally associated with federal filings. Filling out and returning the "Screw You" packet is mandatory and easy. Here's how:

The first step is to calculate your Economic Mobility Factor using the convenient EMF 1138 calculation sheet included in the packet. Those with an Economic Mobility Factor of 90 or above may mail or fax forms SC0089-L and SC0065-DD to their local Screw You EMF Processing Center. They may also drop them off at SYEMFPC kiosks conveniently set up at post offices and public libraries across the U.S.

Those with an EMF between 30 and 90 must submit their forms in person to a Screw You EMF Processing Center Clerk. Such applicants must meet with the SYEMFPCC, and should arrange appointments via the State Application Auditing Appointment Bureau. Once an appointment date has been set by the SAAAB, a Screw You Appointment Confirmation Card will be mailed to you within three to four weeks.

Upon receipt of the Screw You Appointment Confirmation Card, applicants will be required to register the appointment with the Screw You Appointment Registry Bureau. Failure to register the appointment within a 48-hour period will result in a fine automatically added to your estimated SYEMF-1138 quotient.

The convenient new Screw You packet.

The amount of the fine can be determined by using Screw You Fine/ Penalty Schedule 565612, which is available at all local Department of Fiduciary Adjustment branch offices. If there is no DFA office in your immediate Screw You zone, district, state or township, you should contact the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments in Washington, D.C., and ask to speak to a Citizen's Outreach Representative who will look up the predetermined fine on SYF/PS565612.

There is a $50 processing fee for any and all telephone queries to the FDFA. Those wishing to charge the $50 fee can do so by making three copies of forms SYEMF-1138, KSJU-387-SK, SKSP-90-EZ, and SC-2389, along with computer code 0100010 and ACC-842, and forwarding them to the Federal Department of Fiduciary Adjustments Postal Processing Center in Colorado Springs, CO.

Forms received by the FDFAPPC will be processed and returned to applicants within six to eight weeks. Those who wish to have their forms returned in less than six to eight weeks may file a Fiduciary Calculation Acceleration Form 9056 at their local SYEMFPC.

FCAF-9056 forms will be available Monday to Tuesday between the hours of 7:45 a.m. and 8:15 a.m., and are distributed on a first-come, first-serve basis. Completed forms should be returned to the FDFA in Washington, DC. All FCAF-9056 forms that have not cleared authentication via the FDFA in Washington, DC, will be rendered null and void, and will not be forwarded to the FDFAPPC in Colorado Springs.

Applicants who misdirect their FCAF-9056 forms will draw a $10 per SYEMF-1138 fine. The fine must be paid within 36 hours, or the applicant will be subject to house arrest and strip-search by the Armed Outreach Response Team, an independently operated division of the Screw You Outreach Consortium.