DALLAS—In an effort to reduce travel times for thousands of customers every year, Greyhound Lines announced Monday that it will now offer regular bus service from anywhere in the state of Kansas directly to the driveway of a Los Angeles–area pornographic film director. "It's our job to get riders where they're going as conveniently as possible, and since 40 percent of our passengers traveling to Hollywood end up at an adult filmmaker's door anyway, we figured this was the logical next step," said Greyhound CEO David Leach, who confirmed that a postcard reading 'I'm doing fine! I got a job modeling!' will be automatically mailed to passengers' parents 36 hours after their arrival. "A standard one-way ticket covers the heartbreakingly hopeful ride out for $80, and for the $120 round-trip option, you can return home—broke and psychologically devastated—three and a half months later." Greyhound also unveiled special "Family Pack" tickets for frantic relatives wishing to travel to Hollywood in search of their missing loved ones.