RED BANK, NJ—Several coworkers have confirmed that colleague Eric Grasso's daily ribbing stems from a deep-seated hatred of you and everything you stand for. "Hey champ, pretty fancy shirt you got there," said Grasso as you walked past the break room wearing your slightly glossy blue dress shirt. "Going clubbing tonight, or are you wearing that cheap cologne just for me? Kidding. C'mon, you know I love you." The news will not stop Grasso from pretending to push you in front of a moving bus during your lunch break later today, while half the office, including the woman from Accounting you were planning to ask out, looks on.