influence your pale wan soul
to eat fatty snacks
though an angered motorist
jams it in your skull
when your tortured broken heart
spatters pallbearers
reveals your prints on the fat
dead prostitute's ass
aren't you funny, mister
that-wasn't-chicken?
mosquito tickles my ear
goddamn mosquitoes
what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
all over her thigh
the wrong tool for seppuku
don't let that stop you
ragtag gang of lost children
could never beat us
seven, then five syllables
blah blah fucking blah
dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
white motherfuckers?
perfection in your stagnant
culture, O round-eyes
More Horoscope
- « Horoscope for the week of August ... (August 9, 2000)
- Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 23, 2000)
Past Horoscopes
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February 7, 2012
Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
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January 31, 2012
Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
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January 24, 2012
Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
-
January 17, 2012
Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
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January 10, 2012
Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
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January 3, 2012
Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
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December 6, 2011
Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
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November 15, 2011
Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
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November 8, 2011
Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...
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