You may have heard me talk on SportsDome about my DIY Cologne Kits. Marky was supposed to drop it in conversation when he talked to the people writing the Maxim article, but he didn't. Hopefully this blog post will get the attention of Maxim and they will either ask to write an article about me or let me hang around on one of their sexual photo shoots.

My first company was I decided to make silk shirts. I thought there weren't a lot of high-quality silk shirts on the market, and I wanted to make some because they are my favorite fabric. I bought a bunch of silk from a guy my former roommate Big Nate knew who lived in a laundromat, but I didn't know how to make a shirt. I tried cutting two pieces in the shape of flat shirts and then sewing those pieces together to make a shirt you could wear, but I found silk very difficult to sew. As a result I decided to end my silk shirt business, and if you want any silk you should tell me, because I will give it to you as long as you come by to my condo to pick it up.

I next decided to make a cologne company, because I wanted to invent a cologne that would make you smell like an insect, because insects can make any woman insect automatically want to mate with them. My first colognes were made with water and insects and a dirty old beehive Big Nate knocked out of a tree in the backyard. They didn't smell like anything, so I researched how to make real cologne and learned you need oils and herbs and such. I did that for a while, but I spilled cologne all the time, which annoyed me, and I couldn't find empty cologne bottles so I bought Windex and poured it all down the drain and filled those with cologne, but no one wanted to buy any cologne and it smelled awful even with the right ingredients.

I was going to give up but then I got the idea to just put the ingredients in a box and tell other people to make their own cologne. I got the idea when I bought a couch that you had to assemble from the store, but I didn't know it until I bought it and I never put it together, I just sat on the cushions until Big Nate took it when he moved out. I realized that just as I was tricked into buying couch pieces, I could trick people into buying my cologne pieces, and some people like that because they're into that sort of thing.

It is good to make your own cologne. Even if it smells awful, as mine often does, you feel a feeling of satisfaction, and it is a great icebreaker. You can approach a woman and say "if you are wondering about that pungent smell, I make my own cologne in a washbasin in the basement of my condo." As a result, I am now a confident businessman who has made unknown amounts of money selling cologne ingredients, because I lost the papers all my financial information were written on.