WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed this afternoon that a heavily armed Karl Rove has positioned himself atop the Electoral College clock tower and is planning to pick off at least 50 electors with a high-precision sniper rifle.
Wearing a black tactical ammunition vest with multiple submachine-gun magazine pouches, a holster containing an extra semiautomatic handgun, and several M67 grenades clipped to the chest, Rove reportedly walked up 27 floors to the top of the clock tower, which overlooks the Electoral College’s main quad area and offers the Republican strategist a perfect vantage point to assassinate electors as they exit the Swing State Dining Hall and the Twelfth Amendment Science Building.
Law enforcement officials said Rove appears to be primarily targeting Electoral College attendees from Ohio and Florida.
“Mr. Rove is armed, extremely dangerous, and, we believe, mentally ill,” said lead FBI agent Peter Coburn, adding that his team is working with Electoral College Campus Security to move the institution’s 538 enrolled electors out of harm’s way. “Several witnesses who saw Mr. Rove begin his ascent to the top of the clock tower said he looked stone-faced and was muttering something about making good on his promises to Republican super PAC donors everywhere and to Jesus Christ almighty.”
“We are currently unable to get inside the clock tower because Mr. Rove has destroyed several flights of stairs with plastic explosives,” Coburn added. “Either way, we are urging all Electoral College attendees to stay inside the Red and Blue Dormitory until further notice.”
According to FBI representatives, evidence of Rove’s assassination plot was discovered inside the Fox pundit’s off-campus studio apartment. Amidst old newspapers, weeks-old pizza boxes, and rats, agents said they found an Electoral College yearbook in which multiple faces had been crossed out with red X’s.
In addition, officials discovered several composition notebooks filled with Rove’s psychotic musings, including his 2004 plans to seize control of the entire country, and a passage in which he graphically describes how he wants to slit Electoral College president Nate Silver’s throat and then bathe in his blood while staring at his naked body in the bathroom mirror.
One notebook, sources confirmed, was just page after page of the words “Hamilton County” written over and over again.
“You don’t call a state with 991 votes between the candidates,” Rove wrote. “You don’t do that. You never do that. And if you do, I’m not the one who’s crazy. You’re the one who’s crazy. You are the one who must be stopped. You are part of the liberal conspiracy trying to take hold of this nation. And I will be the one to murder you and the children you wanted to abort. I will be the one who stops the madness. I will rain bullets and hellfire on your heads. Say goodbye.”
As the standoff continued, FBI agents said they were having difficulty getting through to Rove—a 2000 Electoral College graduate and basketball standout—and told reporters that special reinforcements needed to be brought in.
“Karl, come down from there,” said former president George W. Bush, shouting into a bullhorn. “I love you. And I know you love me. I would be devastated if I lost you, so don’t do something stupid. We just have to come to terms with the fact that the Republican Party needs to change dramatically in order to win these general elections. We have to be more inclusive. We can’t tell women how to live their lives, and we have to be more gay-friendly ”
At press time, Rove detonated one of his grenades, destroying the clock tower and sending his dismembered body parts cascading to the ground.