Steelers quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger will marry Ashley Harlan this Saturday in what is already being touted as Pittsburgh's royal wedding. Here's what to expect:

  • Roethlisberger reads his vows off his wristband
  • Bride's family gives witness statements to police outside the church
  • All 500 guests are truly touched by the bride and groom and maid of honor’s first triple-kiss
  • Speech from the maid of honor basically a last-ditch plea for rational thought
  • First extramarital affair occurs two hours into the reception under table 17
  • Best man speech bombs, as it is just a horrifying account of groom's previous assaults
  • After the cake-cutting, everyone overhears Roethlisberger telling his new wife, “I want to smear this all over your tits”
  • An extremely awkward silence occurs when Steelers owner Dan Rooney insists there be at least one African-American woman in the crowd waiting to catch the bouquet