One year ago, NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars. The Onion looks back on some memorable moments of the robotic craft’s first year on the Red Planet:

  • August 9, 2012: Exclaims “I can’t believe my sensors” to empty planet
  • September 28, 2012: Gives controversial candid interview to Esquire in which it claimed Sojourner, not Opportunity, was the greatest rover of all time
  • November 12, 2012: Finds big empty plain and just does donuts for four hours straight
  • November 23, 2012: Transmits baffling message to earth that translates to “Sad. Sad. Sad.” repeated 3 million times
  • January 13, 2013: Finally achieves clarity after a rough breakup with Mars Science Laboratory’s deputy project scientist Joy Crisp
  • February 10-24, 2013: Spends relaxing two-week vacation on Venus
  • March 6, 2013: Freaks out after accidentally breaking really expensive spectrometer
  • March 12–June 3, 2013: Fourteen separate suicide attempts
  • June 21, 2013: Finds set of footprints from when Jesus was carrying it across planet
  • August 6, 2013: Sadly celebrates one-year anniversary of mission with Martian rock