Dirt-Eating Contest, this Saturday 11th Ocktober! Can No-One best Fat Phineas Cooper, who just one Year past ete three and twenty pounds of Earthen Loam and ten of blackest Soot? Victor claims Harness of finest woven HEMP and one lightly-worn wife.
Lordy, Lordy Look Who's Twenty! Happy birth-day James Clapburn Bristol III. O'er yon hillock!
Come be witness to a spectakle of Resounding Fortitude!
SMITH, champion Hurler and all-around specimen of Oxen Strength, will attempt to refute the Laws of Gravity by spiriting a stone of OUR LORD's own making high into the Firmament this 11th October.
Fermented beverages will accompany the Grand Demonstration.
Announcement: Cat-Drowning POST-PONED. Will commence Thursday next, when sufficient quantity of Sacks of hearty Burlap may be obtained.
Reminder: NOTHING will take place from the Days of October the 23rd through November the 30th.