Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.

  • The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now.

  • Under no circumstances should you buy a home that does not contain children. A house is not a home without them.
  • Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater.
  • Unless the deal is too good to be true and must happen right away, always have the house examined by a professional appraiser.
  • Don't limit your search to houses and apartments. Hovels, shacks, shanties, lean-tos, caves, wigwams, igloos, yurts, pup-tents, treehouses, and crawlspaces all sustain human life slightly longer than direct exposure to the elements.
  • If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.
  • On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.
  • If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
  • When looking at a house your wife doesn't like, don't let the real-estate agent pressure you with "whipping" sounds.
  • Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC's "Shake Your Foundations" as loud as possible. If the house isn't rocked to the ground, it's a solid house.
  • Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.
  • After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.
  • If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie's dreams.
  • Just buy the first house you see. They're all pretty good.