• Your Birthday Today Friends and family members will gather tonight to commemorate the day you were born, much as they'll gather a week from now to commemorate the day you died.
  • Aries This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and swallows an entire city.
  • Taurus Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.
  • Gemini You will be filled with renewed hope this week after scientists discover a new species of flower in the Amazon rainforest that could potentially provide a distraction from cancer.
  • Cancer A job well done is often its own reward. However, $10,000 will nonetheless be offered to whoever can provide valuable information regarding your first-rate murder of three local men.
  • Leo While your mother's need to always get in the last word is annoying, it's your father's need to get in the last punch that really bothers you.
  • Virgo During your visit to Guatemala this week, you will uncover a series of frightening Mayan tribal masks, all of which date back to the late 1980s and bear an uncanny resemblance to former president Ronald Reagan.
  • Libra While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Scorpio An explosion during a heavy-metal concert this week will leave you and dozens of others critically injured when the warning sign given by an overheating smoke machine goes unnoticed.
  • Sagittarius You will be jolted from your sense of complacency and stirred to take action this week after learning that there are fewer than 5,000 mink coats in existence worldwide.
  • Capricorn After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.
  • Aquarius One can say a lot with only a few words, the sentiment of which will be clear to you when standing before the senior district judge this week.
  • Pisces You will quickly become the most reviled villain the WWE has ever seen this week after changing your wrestling persona to that of Brian Gunderson: The Wrestler Who Staunchly Dislikes the Taste of Mayonnaise.