• Aries You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
  • Taurus You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
  • Gemini You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
  • Cancer You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
  • Leo Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
  • Virgo You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
  • Libra You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
  • Sagittarius You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
  • Capricorn You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
  • Aquarius You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
  • Pisces Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.