Aries You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
Taurus You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
Gemini You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
Cancer You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
Leo Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
Virgo You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
Libra You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
Scorpio The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
Sagittarius You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
Capricorn You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
Aquarius You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
Pisces Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.
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