Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•13 Apr 12, 2000
  • Aries You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Taurus You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
  • Gemini You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
  • Cancer Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
  • Leo If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
  • Virgo The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
  • Libra Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
  • Scorpio A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
  • Sagittarius Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
  • Capricorn The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
  • Aquarius Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
  • Pisces Your inability to distinguish between right and wrong is mitigated by your inability ever to do anything worth mentioning.