Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•14 Apr 14, 1999
  • Aries The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
  • Gemini Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
  • Cancer Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
  • Leo Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
  • Virgo You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
  • Libra Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
  • Scorpio You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
  • Sagittarius You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
  • Capricorn Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
  • Aquarius When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
  • Pisces You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.