Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•15 Apr 14, 2004
  • Aries You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Taurus Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
  • Gemini A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
  • Cancer You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
  • Leo Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
  • Virgo While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
  • Libra Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
  • Scorpio You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
  • Sagittarius Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
  • Capricorn You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
  • Aquarius This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
  • Pisces The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.