Aries You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
Taurus Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
Gemini A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
Cancer You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
Leo Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
Virgo While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
Libra Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
Scorpio You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
Sagittarius Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
Capricorn You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
Aquarius This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
Pisces The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.
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