Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Last Updated 4:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.

Taurus Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.

Gemini A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.

Cancer You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.

Leo Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.

Virgo While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.

Libra Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.

Scorpio You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.

Sagittarius Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.

Capricorn You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.

Aquarius This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.

Pisces The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of April ... (April 7, 2004)
Horoscope for the week of April ... » (April 21, 2004)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...