Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 33•14 Apr 15, 1998
  • Aries Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog.
  • Taurus A little old lady will corner you on the bus and talk about the weather for the rest of her natural life.
  • Gemini Your earnest effort to find redemption is spoiled when you realize that you have never done anything wrong.
  • Cancer A quick trip to Sweden enables you to cast aside the worries and frustrations of being a single mother for the romance and excitement of being a single father.
  • Leo Leo is known as "The Lion." However, by a strange twist of fate, your nerdy seventh-grade algebra teacher was also known as "Leo."
  • Virgo The stars indicate that you will soon be involved in a hilariously violent, gag-filled, seven-minute-long "Virgo Season/Duck Season" argument with a bald, mush-mouthed hunter.
  • Libra After discussing your deteriorating skills, fading youth and spotty hygiene, your once-eager stable of lovers will revoke your License To Thrill.
  • Scorpio The heavenly spheres in their wisdom can see your future in great detail. However, for legal and ethical reasons, all they can tell you is that some heavy shit's about to go down.
  • Sagittarius Your attempt to pull off the world's most romantic marriage proposal will be spoiled when the trickster god of African folklore upends a pail of goat's milk on your head.
  • Capricorn Repeated assurances fail to convince Robert DeNiro that you are not looking at him.
  • Aquarius An armed man with cue cards will accompany you all next week, giving you little choice in what to say.
  • Pisces The moon in your sign indicates that you should look out behind you!