• Aries You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
  • Taurus After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
  • Gemini Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
  • Cancer Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
  • Leo The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
  • Virgo A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
  • Libra Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
  • Scorpio When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
  • Sagittarius Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
  • Capricorn Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
  • Aquarius A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
  • Pisces Veteran actor Brian Dennehy's lawyer will call you this week to inform you that Mr. Dennehy is your new owner.