• Aries Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
  • Taurus This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
  • Gemini You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
  • Cancer You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
  • Leo You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
  • Virgo You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
  • Libra Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
  • Scorpio The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
  • Sagittarius Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
  • Capricorn Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
  • Aquarius You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
  • Pisces Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.