Aries Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
Taurus This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
Gemini You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
Cancer You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
Leo You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
Virgo You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
Libra Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
Scorpio The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
Sagittarius Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
Capricorn Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
Aquarius You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
Pisces Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.
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