• Aries Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
  • Taurus You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
  • Gemini The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
  • Cancer Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
  • Leo You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
  • Virgo When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
  • Libra Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
  • Scorpio You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Sagittarius Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
  • Capricorn You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
  • Aquarius You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
  • Pisces A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed, plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.