Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001Horoscope • ISSUE 37•14 • Apr 18, 2001 Aries The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.Taurus There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.Gemini You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.Cancer Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.Leo Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.Virgo Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!Libra You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.Scorpio It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.Sagittarius After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.Capricorn You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.Aquarius Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.Pisces The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.