Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•14 Apr 18, 2001
  • Aries The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
  • Taurus There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Gemini You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
  • Cancer Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
  • Leo Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
  • Virgo Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
  • Libra You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
  • Scorpio It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
  • Sagittarius After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
  • Capricorn You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
  • Aquarius Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
  • Pisces The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.