Aries Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
Taurus This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
Gemini A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
Cancer If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
Leo Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
Virgo Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
Libra Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
Scorpio Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
Sagittarius You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
Capricorn Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
Aquarius It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
Pisces Your headaches will soon go away, along with all other nerve activity.
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