Horoscope

04.19.00 | ISSUE 36•14

  • Aries Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
  • Taurus This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
  • Gemini A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
  • Cancer If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
  • Leo Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
  • Virgo Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
  • Libra Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
  • Scorpio Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
  • Sagittarius You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
  • Capricorn Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
  • Aquarius It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
  • Pisces Your headaches will soon go away, along with all other nerve activity.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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