Horoscope for the week of April 19, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•14 Apr 19, 2000
  • Aries Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
  • Taurus This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
  • Gemini A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
  • Cancer If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
  • Leo Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
  • Virgo Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
  • Libra Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
  • Scorpio Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
  • Sagittarius You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
  • Capricorn Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
  • Aquarius It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
  • Pisces Your headaches will soon go away, along with all other nerve activity.