Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 31•12 Apr 2, 1997
  • Aries Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war.
  • Taurus Your toe fetish catapults you to international celebrity when, during your tour of the Vatican, you are unable to resist kissing the Pope's feet.
  • Gemini You will be rewarded in the afterlife for a lifetime of good deeds by being allowed to live out the entire Porky's trilogy.
  • Cancer Superstar Rick Moranis will call you at all hours of the night to ask what you're wearing.
  • Leo The frustration of working at an awful night-shift job will become unbearable when you realize your co-workers actually enjoy grave robbery.
  • Virgo A fun field trip turns into mild disappointment went you discover that "Jiffy Lube" is not quite the place its name seems to imply.
  • Libra You will finally land your dream job as the lovable, huggable costumed mascot of Happy Heroinland.
  • Scorpio Your life and habits are held up to intense scrutiny when Ken Burns' new documentary, The Scorpios, is aired on PBS.
  • Sagittarius Though you have been an asset to your company for over 25 years, you will finally be fired for your habit of defecating in the office water cooler.
  • Capricorn Your physical and mental health will be permanently ruined when computers take over the planet and decide to "log on" to you for a change.
  • Aquarius Your sense of duty will be shattered forever when the other firemen spike your coffee with a high-powered aphrodisiac and lock you in the broom closet with the dalmatian.
  • Pisces Your utter imbecility will become even harder to bear when your parents reveal that you're adopted and, therefore, not as inbred as you once believed.