Aries Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
Taurus Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
Gemini You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
Cancer You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
Leo Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
Virgo Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
Libra Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
Scorpio You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
Sagittarius Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
Capricorn Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
Aquarius You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
Pisces The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.
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