Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•15 Apr 21, 1999
  • Aries Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
  • Taurus Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
  • Gemini You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
  • Cancer You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
  • Leo Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
  • Virgo Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
  • Libra Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
  • Scorpio You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
  • Sagittarius Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
  • Capricorn Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
  • Aquarius You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
  • Pisces The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.