• Aries When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Taurus There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
  • Gemini By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
  • Cancer It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
  • Leo Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
  • Virgo The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
  • Libra You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
  • Scorpio Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
  • Sagittarius You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
  • Capricorn Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
  • Aquarius The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
  • Pisces You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.