Aries This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
Taurus This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
Gemini It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
Cancer Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
Leo It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
Virgo Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
Libra It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
Scorpio There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
Sagittarius Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
Capricorn Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
Aquarius You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
Pisces The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.
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