Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•15 Apr 23, 2003
  • Aries This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
  • Taurus This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
  • Gemini It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
  • Cancer Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
  • Leo It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
  • Virgo Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
  • Libra It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
  • Scorpio There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
  • Sagittarius Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
  • Capricorn Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
  • Aquarius You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
  • Pisces The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.