Aries You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
Taurus The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
Gemini Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
Cancer The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
Leo Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
Virgo You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
Libra Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
Scorpio America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
Sagittarius Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
Capricorn Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
Aquarius Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
Pisces You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.
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