• Aries You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
  • Taurus The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
  • Gemini Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
  • Cancer The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
  • Leo Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
  • Virgo You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
  • Libra Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
  • Scorpio America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
  • Sagittarius Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
  • Capricorn Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
  • Aquarius Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
  • Pisces You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.